Personal Growth
(A Spoof)


I was having an out-of-body experience and almost astral-traveled away yesterday, so I grounded myself and got centered with the help of my spirit guides and then the phone rang, and sensing the negative vibrations, I threw the I-Ching and checked my numerology chart, nearly having a primal, but my energy was too blocked. So I did some bioenergetics and self-parenting,took some flower essences and ate an organic oat bran ginseng muffin, but my inner child wasn't feeling nurtured yet.

To fix this, I had a Rice Dream Frozen Pie, which, of course, made me hyper, so I did the relaxation response technique I had just learned at the Self Healing Angst Tree Defoliating Center while listening to my subliminal tapes. But that left me feeling depersonalized, so I did some polarity work, foot reflexology, and past life regression, then rebirthed myself, and called Moon Beam, my body worker, to make an appointment for a Shiatsu/Reike/ Rolfing/Feldenkreis/ Swedish/Japanese deep tissue massage.

Unfortunately, she flaked out and never returned my call, so I decided to energize my crystals and do some positive imagery because all my visualization techniques and affirmations made my space feel invaded.  So to get empowered, I got a psychic reading from Mother Heart Love around the issue of my assertiveness so I could feel my radiance and have some energy for my psycho calisthenics and inversion swing before my harmonic brain wave synergy session. This made me more focused for my actualization seminar, holistic healing class and dream workshop, which in turn made me clearer for my Gestalt behavioral cognitive transpersonal Rechian-Jungian-Freudian-Ericksonian session at the hot springs, but my aura was too weak for my trance channeling group, so I fasted until noon to recharge my chakras.

At that point, I sensed my intuition was high and my cycle was focused, so I turned on my ion generator to open up for my Neural Linguistic Programming session.  But I needed to have my pyramid recharged before my guided synchronicity meditation, so I got some craniosacral therapy, which aligned me for the fire walk between my tarot card reading and my sensory deprivation tank appointment. 

But even after all that, I felt what I truly needed was a meaningful relationship to mirror myself, so I went to my personal shaman, and then to my guru, but they were no help, so instead I went to the Intensive Whole Life Earth Rebirth Cosmic Expo Symposium Workshop to find someone who really knew what was going on. 

That didn't help either, so I locked myself in a calcium coated Orgone Box and meditated until 9:00 PM. None of it really worked for me, so I rolled me a big fat doobie, got baked and drank a six pack of Bud -- and dude . . . did I feel right with the world!



Inner Revelations, Inc.
(A California 501(c)(3) non-profit organization.)